How Can I Protect You?
by Ghosty-Goo Girl
Summary: Wasn't that what Kakashi was fighting for? Freedom? But the truth left a sour taste in his mouth, for someone who'd been kept prisoner for most of his short life, he didn't have a clue how to fend for himself. In which Kakashi has an excessive need to protect his family. AU. Rape. Non-Con. Yaoi. Underage. MinaKaka.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Wasn't that what Kakashi was fighting for? Freedom? But the truth left a sour taste in his mouth, for someone who'd been kept prisoner for most of his short life, he didn't have a clue how to fend for himself. In which Kakashi has an excessive need to protect his family.  
**  
 **Warnings: AU, Rape, Non-Con, Yaoi, Underage**

 **Pairings: MinaKaka**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, all rights belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

* * *

When his cell door was ripped off its hinges and he was hastily dragged through the dark passage and out into the blinding light, he thought he was going to die. He thought he was going to die and he thought his miserable existence had finally come to an end, blotted out and forgotten about.

He'd briefly thought that Rin would die, that Obito would die-hell, his whole family was dead.

There had always been the blinding terror, the threat looming over them that their so called 'protection' would turn on them. Rip then to shreds, abuse them, beat them until they could no longer move their frail limbs. But really what were they there for? To 'look after' them? To feed them and shelter them? No.

They were there to train them, to horde them like livestock until they were deemed worthy of being sold to the wealthiest bidder. For a long time he'd thought the walls surrounding them were there to keep something out - so he'd been told - but in reality they were there to keep them in.

Rin had dreams and old tattered books filled with ideas and almost unimaginable things - mountains of rock that towered high above the clouds, large expansive bodies of water that were miles and miles in all directions and as deep as any of us could even believe, rivers of sand and mud and tall tunnels of wind with destructive powers that ravished lands. Her eyes were filled with hopes and dreams and promises that were yet to be fulfilled and they sparkled like the stars that they so rarely saw and the mockery of such stars that hung above them, paper wrapped with foil that glinted off of the light that spilled forth from the small lamp.

Kakashi was jealous because Rin's eyes never lost their warmth and love and such child like innocence and Obito's retained their unwavering determination and the ferocious strength of a lion. But Kakashi's just looked cold like steel and the detest he felt for humanity was ever present on his face and the rage burned within him every minute of every day. And he hated it, but he couldn't help it because his own world - all of their worlds - we're ending around him and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. Everyone he knew or had known were dying or would disappear; he would have compared it to an apocalypse if it weren't for the new souls being entrapped here more often than not.

Sometimes Kakashi felt helpless, abandoned and pathetic but when he looked at his two peers - no not peers, family - he wondered if the reason his own soul had been trapped here was for them. To care for them, to help them, to protect them best he could from the horrors of this place because he knew he could never live with himself if he saw Rin's warmth turn to ice and see those eyes no longer look at him with hope but rather with glazed emptiness and for Obito's unwavering determination to be broken. They were counting on him and in a way he was counting on them to never leave him and for them to give him a reason to carry on.

They were in a war against their protectors and there was no doubt they were going to lose but if none of them bothered to fight then they couldn't win but the ones who did didn't last long. Kakashi wanted to fight, he wanted to win but he also wanted to be here for his adoptive family. His brother and sister. His reason to live.

But they weren't here to fight, they were here because they didn't have a choice and they knew it was pointless. They followed him, so oblivious to his own suffering and that was how Kakashi wanted it; he promised them and himself that he would protect them no matter what.

He didn't care if he died or not, his body was going to be used as a tool for some old man for sexual pleasure so why not use it to fight for their freedom?

His friends were dying, if not physically, mentally at least. Everyday there was a little less hope, the nights seemingly a little longer, their minds being taken over by the ones in control. Their beliefs wavered everyday. Be the good little slave. Please your superior. Know your place. You were born to serve.

It was all bullshit and Kakashi knew it yet it was people like him - the unbreakables - that were discarded of first. He could see the other children around him succumb to their daily brainwashing - becoming the perfect slave, the perfect whore, the perfect submissive human being - but Kakashi couldn't help them, and it chipped at his own confidence to pull through little by little because once you got that far you weren't coming back.

So when his cell door was ripped off its hinges and he was hastily dragged through the dark passage and out into the blinding light, he thought he was going to die. He thought he was going to die and he thought his miserable existence had finally come to an end, blotted out and forgotten about.

He'd briefly thought that Rin would die, that Obito would die.

But none of them died, none of them were beaten - they'd been saved. The men wearing green flak jackets and headbands that Kakashi had vague memories of from when he was really little had told him they were safe now, all of them were and there was no need to worry. They weren't going to become slaves and the protectors had been caught.

Kakashi still remembers the man that had saved him and his family that day. Blond hair that shone in the blindingly bright sunlight, blue eyes that were like the sky; the beautiful blue sky that he had not seen in the years he'd been confined underground.

And then they were ushered away to a facility that was clean and had sunlight and windows and comfy beds and proper food. And there was no brainwashing and no abuse and there was no need to be on constant alert and no need to feel the constant panic with the knowledge that you could be put to death at any moment. But Kakashi still felt all of these things, he couldn't relax even if he wanted to; as far as he was concerned these people were the same with their white lab coats and sterile equipment. He didn't know these people but he knew they were adults and adults were not to be trusted.

The three of them were there for months - he didn't know how many, but it felt like forever - and the children who had remaining family had come for them and had taken them home. Parents and siblings turning up, displays of excessive emotion that most of the kids had long forgotten about and to say everyone who'd been 'saved' found it awkward was an understatement. It was like none of them knew how to feel, or at least express how to feel anymore.

The ones remaining - himself, Obito and Rin included - were told that Konoha could no longer afford to look after them any more as the resources they possessed were limited and room was tight in the hospital. It seemed that while Kakashi was fighting his own war with the protectors, the world above him was also at war. Konoha had apparently saved them but in truth they were chucking them out to fend for themselves. Only this time they'd have freedom.

Wasn't that what Kakashi was fighting for? Freedom? But the truth left a sour taste in his mouth, for someone who'd been kept prisoner for most of his short life, he didn't have a clue how to fend for himself, let alone look after his two companions.

They were dying. His family were dying. He was dying. Everyday there was less food, there was no shelter from Konoha's cold nights. Everyday their clothes were a little less clean and everyday was a struggle to survive, to earn money, to steal the food they desperately needed because their faces were too easily recognized after a month of pulling off the same tricks.

Konoha - who had once welcomed their return home with loving arms and caring words was now turning a cold shoulder to the ones who had lost their way in the world.

All of them were slowly decaying but it hurt Kakashi more to see Rin and Obito suffering because Kakashi wasn't good enough to protect them. He had to do something - anything - to ensure their survival.

The first time a man cornered them in an alleyway, separating Rin from the two others and tried to rape her, they were too shocked to know what to do. Rin was screaming and crying and none of them had even heard about rape before, but they knew that what was happening was wrong.

Kakashi was the first to spring into action, kicking and punching the man in a full frontal attack, dodging blows coming his way at every chance he got but he wasn't good enough. The man grabbed him and flung him hard into a brick wall and then he knew he wasn't capable of protecting anyone as he stared at Obito's slumped form, trembling in fear and shock. Kakashi needed to get stronger.

He could hear Rin's screaming echoing, loudly bouncing off of the tall, dirty walls. He had her up against the wall and she couldn't move now and Kakashi couldn't move and he knew it was the end.

And then there was a flash of yellow and the rapist was on the ground shouting obscenities at the man pinning him there. Kakashi recognized him as the first man he'd seen when he'd been rescued from the underground.

His blue eyes - so different from Kakashi's - radiated warmth and comfort and everything the three of them had needed for so long. It was cruel of him to dangle it in front of them when they couldn't obtain it.

Two other figures jumped into the alley way but Kakashi paid no attention to them, his gaze directed solely on the man in front of him. Pulling himself up he made his way to grab Rin by the arm, pulling her roughly away from the adults - adults were bad - and to sit by a shocked Obito.

He stood in front of his family - he needed to protect them - and glared menacingly at the other three people who had arrived; he made a good job of not giving a glance at the scum who had now been knocked out on the floor.

"Thanks for the help kids, we've been after this one for a while now."

The blond spoke in such a calm way. It made Kakashi furious. How could he speak without a care in the world when Kakashi could barely keep himself and the others alive?

The female of the adults roughly picked the unconscious man up and slung him over her shoulder.

"Minato, we're gunna take him in before he wakes up, we'll meet you there?"

The blond nodded and smiled his acknowledgment before the two others disappeared. He looked back at Kakashi.

"You did well, you've got a lot of potential, what's your name?"

He glared at Minato, he wondered if it was a good idea to mention his name. He figured it wouldn't do any harm.

"Kakashi."

The man smiled. "Well it's nice to meet you Kakashi."

He held out his arm for a hand shake but Kakashi didn't quite understand what the gesture meant so stood his ground. The arm was retracted when Minato realized he wasn't going to get a response.

"Well...anyway I'm sure you're friends will be fine, there was no harm done," he nodded and made his way past the three of them but stopped in hesitation before turning to look back. "Are you ok? Do you have any place to stay?"

Rin opened her mouth to speak up but Kakashi beat her to it.

"Yes we're fine."

"Ok then," he turned around and took a few steps and Kakashi wanted to roll his eyes when the other stopped once again and turned to talk to them. "Look, ugh.." He shook his head. "How old are you guys?"

There was a tense silence before Kakashi replied.

"Seven."

"Well you're old enough to enter the academy if you've ever considered becoming a shinobi...it's free and well, we need all the help we can get at the moment. New recruits mean a better future...and all that..." Minato seemed hesitant, his words trailing off and his speech unsure. "From what I've seen, Kakashi, you have great potential. We could use you."

"I won't go anywhere without Rin or Obito."

Minato looked at the children's scrawny stature and tattered, dirty clothes and nodded slowly.

"They can come to. Just think about it, yeah?" He didn't expect an answer so instead he left them in a blink of an eye.

And with that, life continued.

As time went on and food became scarce for even the people with respectable jobs, things started to get really hard for the three of them. No one helped them at all anymore - before there would be the odd person offering them food or shelter - but now no one could afford it; the war had really taken its toll. They were wearing down and Kakashi had to do _something_. He had to keep them alive.

He thought back to the man they'd met that day. Minato. A plan formed in Kakashi's mind and it was then that he decided to take up the offer about joining the academy, it meant that they could defend themselves and it would give them hope for the future. He would learn later that once graduated, they'd be able to earn money.

But until then Kakashi needed to get them by, keep them safe. He thought back to that day, that rapist. Did men like boys as well? Could he get food or money in return for letting men do to him what that man had wanted to do to Rin?

He'd studied some of the women who hung around this area at night. They'd exchange sexual favors for various things; most of the disgusting men called them whores. The drunken old perverts would shove wads of cash into their hands when they were done and it looked like a lot to Kakashi. He needed that money. Could Kakashi do it? Could he be like those women? Could he offer his body to keep them alive? Yes. He could and he _would_ he decided.

Under the cover of darkness, when the other two were asleep, sheltered under a small fort made of filthy cardboard boxes, he stealthily sneaked away. It was freezing and he could see his breath as he jogged towards the nearest popular area where the whores generally advertised themselves. He couldn't stop shivering as he stood and leaned against an icy brick wall, and it wasn't just from the cold.

Peering around him at the run-down street, he could hear the thumping of music and see the flashing neon-lights. He stood there for three hours, his eyes sore and his body weak from exhaustion and lack of nourishment before he got his first customer. He was surprised anyone had propositioned him in the first place; it wasn't like he was trying very hard. He really didn't want to do this and he was still hesitant as he followed the man into a nearby alleyway, the mans rough hands pushing him face first in to a small hidden alcove.

Kakashi was frightened to the core but this needed to be done. They needed to survive. He was sick to the point of throwing up and the drunk man was dirty and he stank and his clammy hands were grabbing at Kakashi's exposed flesh, groping him and licking him.

Kakashi's first time was rough and it hurt. It hurt a lot and it took all of his willpower not to scream and thrash and push the man away as he pounded into his ass as he was taken up against the wall. Do it for them. Do it for them. Do it for them. The same four words chanting over and over in his mind.

When the man was done he handed Kakashi the cash and walked off. He slumped to the ground, the pain in his behind searing but he still needed more money. He still had until daylight.

The rest of the night was much the same; wet mouths running along his skin, his neck, his back and thighs. The sound of flesh slapping against flesh every time they pushed into his ass or mouth. Everything became a blur and every face merged into the next and all Kakashi wanted to do was to throw up and sleep. Or even better, to die. But he couldn't die, not yet. Not until Rin and Obito were safe.

When the dark night sky turned to a deep, murky blue, Kakashi limped back to their makeshift den. He collapsed just around the corner and cried. He sobbed as he let out everything he'd been holding in, smashing his fists into the floor at his blatant display of weakness. He felt disgusting, like he would never be clean again. He was disgusting but he'd made a lot of money tonight. That was one positive thing and he was sure it was the only thing that stopped him from crying and giving up and gave him incentive to get to his feet when he could and face another day.

Standing up, he wiped the tears from his tired eyes, washed himself in one of the nearby public bathrooms and made his way back to his family. He curled up next to Rin, wrapping his arms around her, needing that familiar scent and comfort and fell asleep. If she noticed his trembling body pressed against hers, she didn't mention it.

The next day brought warmer weather with it and as a mutual agreement they all decided to head over to the academy. It was relatively easy to get in but it still didn't provide them with food or shelter so, much to Kakashi's despair, he'd have to keep up his nightly job.

He was perhaps a little happier and relieved when he saw his two friends munching enthusiastically on the warm meat he'd bought for them on the way back from the academy. They'd asked where he got the money and reluctantly lied to them by saying a generous stranger had handed it to him and that it was also part of his savings. If it occurred to them that there was not enough money for him to save as it was, they didn't question it. He savored the delicious meal and tried his best to enjoy the two others joyful chatter but he knew once the sun went down he'd have to return to his disgusting, degrading job again.

Years later, when both Obito and Rin had found out they thought they should have known and wished they could have done something. But yet they knew wishing was pointless because the world was cruel, people were cruel - they weren't generous or kind or understanding - they did things to get by in life and that's exactly what Kakashi had done for them.

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 **A/N: Thanks for reading, let me know if you want more? :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary: Wasn't that what Kakashi was fighting for? Freedom? But the truth left a sour taste in his mouth, for someone who'd been kept prisoner for most of his short life, he didn't have a clue how to fend for himself. In which Kakashi has an excessive need to protect his family.  
**  
 **Warnings: AU, Rape, Non-Con, Yaoi, Underage**

 **Pairings: MinaKaka**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, all rights belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

* * *

After two years all three of them had successfully graduated from the academy at the top of their class. They were to meet their jounin sensei and train and go on missions and earn actual money in an honest way. It meant Kakashi could stop selling his body.

As it turned out, it was Minato who was assigned as their sensei. It surprised Obito and Rin but Kakashi had come to expect the unexpected - something he had learnt from his line of work - so he wasn't surprised but he was grateful because the man did seem genuinely nice and he got on well with the other two.

So a few months and many missions later, the three of them finally had their own place. It was small and it was only one room with a small bathroom but it was home. It was their own home, it was a place to rest with a roof over their heads, it was a place to shelter them from the cold winds and the people who wanted to rape them or attack them or mug them. It was the safest they'd felt in a long time. And all of a sudden they had the money for three meals a day and new clothes and new weapons. They could afford hot running water and electricity. It was everything they'd ever dreamed of and _more_.

Kakashi realises it's the happiest he's been in a long time; he can't even remember the last time he'd laughed or smiled without faking it. He knows though that he shouldn't be laughing or smiling, he shouldn't be happy because they have an even bigger war to fight and they're right in the middle of it.

He sees Rin smiling and reading her new books and it occurs to her that it's now entirely possible for all three of them to see the world once the war is over and he sees Obito talking enthusiastically with their sensei and the fierce determination behind his words that "one day I'll become Hokage!" And he thinks that they deserve to be happy regardless of the situation, regardless of the war, regardless of all the sacrifices Kakashi has made and isn't that why he did everything he did in the first place? They deserve all the happiness they can get and he silently hopes he can be forgiven for being happy too because someone as dirty and marred as him doesn't deserve that warm, light hearted feeling in his chest.

The three of them grow closer and closer everyday but Kakashi never stops thinking and refuses to forget that his goal in life is to protect them and that is his duty. So he trains hard, harder than the other two, and when it comes to the chunin exams, he's ready and they pass with flying colours because his need to fight and to protect and to _win_ becomes excessive and the two others can hardly believe their eyes when they're awarded their green flak jacket and new rank. This opened up a lot more opportunities for them and things could only get better from here they mused.

The blonde haired sensei couldn't think of a better outcome for the three of them as he looks on with proud eyes at a stoic Kakashi, smiling Rin and an over excited Obito bouncing up and down with joy because he's one step closer to becoming Hokage. Kakashi is equally as proud because the scrawny young kids that they used to be have grown so much over the past few years and they're still a family and Kakashi can't help but smile at their victory because it's a big victory to them; they're alive, they survived the worst years of their life.

His family is perfect and he loves them dearly but it hurts Kakashi a little that both Rin and Obito and even Minato can be so perfect because they each had their own thing, their own passion and all Kakashi got was a death wish and an unhealthily excessive need to protect. But he thinks that sometimes it's not all bad, at least he has been given the opportunity to be graced by these people's very presence. He's later told by Minato that the the other two wouldn't be here if it weren't for Kakashi and in all honesty Kakashi had never looked at it that way, he'd always thought of it as the other way around. Maybe it worked both ways. He refused to acknowledge that Minato knew exactly what he'd been through for them.

They're twelve now and he looks at Obito and Rin and even though he is very much apart of their life, he sees that the two of them have grown very close and it scares Kakashi. He realizes now that they have the skills necessary to fend for themselves and they can defend each other without the need of Kakashi. And that also hurts because now it's almost like Kakashi has no purpose because he's no good at anything else other than being a tool for the village. He finds it difficult to express his emotions unlike the other two, he can't lower his guard, he can't dream anymore because he's too into the now moment, too down to earth to be like Rin, he has no real goal like Obito.

After that realization he becomes a lot more reckless, almost arrogant in his ways. Of course he still loves them and protects them with every fiber of his being but he thinks that it really doesn't matter if he dies in the line of duty. He's fulfilled his life's goal - to protect Obito and Rin, to keep them alive - he is no longer needed now because they could do that themselves. He could see that Obito was starting to take over Kakashi's role, protecting Rin and even Kakashi at times and he knew it was irrational and he knew he shouldn't feel jealous or betrayed because they all stuck up for each other now, it wasn't solely his responsibility anymore.

Before they'd graduated he had wanted to be their protector, he had wanted to live to protect them, he believed he was put on this earth to protect them and now he wanted to die protecting them. The change in his behavior was obvious to everyone but no one said anything about it. Looking back now he didn't know whether it was because they were afraid or just didn't really worry too much about it because Kakashi was elite and he knew it.

The day that Kakashi had been told he'd be promoted to Jounin, he was ecstatically happy. The three other members of his family - he now considered Minato apart of his family - celebrated with him and congratulated him by buying him presents.

Minato gave him one of his signature kunai, Rin gave him a special med kit that she'd put together herself as she knew how reckless he'd become and she worried for him and Obito gave him a set of goggles much like the ones he wore. He appreciated the gesture but Kakashi highly doubted he'd ever wear them yet it was the thought that counted and he knew Obito had never been good with choosing gifts. Kakashi was grateful anyway and appreciated the thought that had been put in, after all he hadn't really expected it.

Their next mission was due the following week where he'd be leading the rest of his team for the first time and in truth Kakashi didn't really find any reason to worry; he was confident in his abilities.

But he was wrong to assume that everything would work out fine. He was wrong to be so sure of his abilities. He was wrong to be so arrogant and reckless because that was the day that Obito finally found out his second name and that was also the day that Obito died in battle. He died protecting Kakashi and Rin and Kakashi has never stopped thinking that it should have been himself in Obito's position.

Obito who had had a real family this entire time, who were an elite clan at that. He was an Uchiha and it had taken them up until his sharingan had awoken for them to realize. He hadn't even had the chance to meet his family...his biological family.

Rin had been taken and he was fighting with all he had to get her back but he'd been overpowered, trapped and he'd lost his eye. Obito had rescued him, saved him just in time and in a way Kakashi was a bit disappointed; he'd thought he'd finally had it.

Rin was unharmed when they found her tied up in the cave and they'd thought they'd succeeded in this disastrous mission but they were proven wrong. The cave had collapsed and rocks were falling all around them and Kakashi would have been crushed and he'd welcomed death with open arms but instead it was Obito who took the fall.

Obito had told Kakashi that he wanted to give his sharingan to him because then apart of Obito would always be there with him. It hurt like nothing Kakashi had felt before, his mind was a wreck, it felt like something was clawing inside his chest and he could feel the anger boiling within him, searing through his veins, because this was Obito in front of him. Dead. Dead because of these people and because he'd protected Kakashi when it was Kakashi who was meant to be protecting him.

Kakashi screamed as he slaughtered every enemy in sight, the new implanted sharingan aiding his already ferocious abilities. He finished the battle on his own, his sensei nowhere in sight and a scared Rin standing and watching from a distance with fear in her eyes because she'd never seen this Kakashi. This Kakashi was furious and merciless and it frightened her to see him kill with such ease, with no regret.

When Rin and himself were the only ones standing, it was only then that he allowed him self to collapse, his chakra almost completely depleted. He clutched his hand over his eye in pain. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was his sensei running towards him.

He woke up in hospital, the white walls eerily clean but the first thing he could remember was feeling the splatter of Obito's blood on his face as he was crushes by the rocks in front of him. Blood soaked his hands and knees as knelt down, shocked but desperate to save his brother. He could remember the way Obito's eyes had filled with pain as he slowly slipped away into oblivion and the way the blood pooled under him and Rin as she implanted his eye into Kakashi, the pain he felt physically was almost numbing compared to how he felt inside.

He looked at the white walls, the white floor and ceiling, the white bed sheets but all he could see was blood splattered across everything. Obito's blood. He looked down at his own hands and they were dripping with blood and no matter how much he scrubbed his hands the blood wouldn't come off.

He looked at his reflection, at the bandage covering his left eye and he knew then that he was weak. He was pathetic and he couldn't save his brother. He couldn't save Obito, he'd failed his family. He was a disappointment. And all he could see were the images of Obito's dead body projected on the inside of his eyelids every time he blinked. And it hurt. It hurt to see Rin, to see her eyes dull as the weeks passed because without Obito it wasn't the same.

Obito's death had left a massive hole in all of their lives but Kakashi couldn't deny that it had effected Rin the most. That knowledge alone was tearing him up inside and the guilt was almost too much to bare every time he looked at his sister. After a while she stopped talking and all Kakashi could do to cope with the pain was to drink and that's what he did. He drank and he fucked and trained relentlessly because there was nothing he could do to bring the old Rin back, the Rin with hopes and dreams, the Rin who cared and wanted to see the world. He couldn't save her from her depression because Kakashi couldn't even save himself and it hurt to just sit and watch her destroy herself bit by bit.

A month later as Rin lay dying in his arms, a hole in her chest, her last words forever stuck with Kakashi.

"I was in love with him, Kakashi, I'm so sorry."

And she stroked his cheek in a poor attempt at comfort and reassurance that everything would be ok. But nothing would be ok again. Kakashi would never be ok again because he had lost two of three most precious people in his life and right now he felt like slitting his wrists.

When he got home, his clothes drenched in blood - he didn't know what was Rin's or the enemies anymore - he peered in the bathroom mirror. A smudged bloody hand print ran down his cheek; another reminder that Rin was in fact dead by his own hand.

After that day he no longer had a team and refused to show his face in public, the only exception being Minato. The mask helped him in a way because every time he caught his reflection without it on, it bought vivid memories of Obito's blood splatters and Rin's hand print and the horrible way they'd died. He was a monster. Kakashi couldn't forgive himself. It was one thing for Obito to take his place but for Rin to die by his own jutsu, his own hand puncturing her chest? Unforgivable.

His family was gone because now Minato had his own family, he had Kushina and he would soon be graced with his own child. There was no room for Kakashi in his life and Minato wouldn't have the time for him now anyway. Being Hokage was a lot of work as it was, Minato didn't need a depressed pubescent teenager clinging to him like glue every minute of everyday.

Kakashi hated the deafening silence of his empty apartment because his wounds were still too raw. The lack of noise, the lack of shallow breathing, of quiet whispering and mellow laughter that was all too familiar was daunting and Kakashi missed those simple comforts with ever breath he took and every beat of his broken heart that he wished would just stop already. He cried silently into his pillow every night and pulled up his mask whenever he felt insecure and he always felt insecure. Obito and Rin were dead because of him.

He'd been put into ANBU via Minato's request because Minato no longer had the time to train with him or go on missions with him and now he didn't have a team. So in a way it sort of made sense to Kakashi, it gave him something to do and it also allowed him to channel his anger and sadness into something productive; that's if anyone could call killing innocent people - children even - productive. It just turned Kakashi cold and shattered whatever little spirit he had left.

Months and months worth of bloodshed later, Kakashi had finally had enough. He went to find Minato.

Said man was sat behind the Hokage desk, piles of papers stacked high in front of the blond. Kakashi hesitantly knocked on the already open door to grab his attention. The man looked up from his work with wide, questioning eyes and smiled at the familiar figure stood anxiously in his doorway.

"Kakashi! It's been a while, what can I do for you?"

"Sensei..." Kakashi was hesitant with his words, he no longer felt right among other people, the comfort he felt when he was surrounded by his family was long gone and his social anxiety had taken control.

He strolled into the room, closing the door behind him. Standing in front of the man, he stared blankly at the collar of the Hokage's white coat because he couldn't bring himself to look the blond in the eye. His next words were rather embarrassing because he was blatantly admitting defeat, admitting that he was too weak to carry on.

"Sensei, are you still in need of me?"

There was a tense silence as the meaning of the words sunk in for Minato. Realization gleamed in his eyes and then he frowned and Kakashi refused to look at the pity that was surely painted across the Hokage's face because he _hated_ being pitied of all things. Pity was even worse than disgust to Kakashi.

Minato sighed and studied the teens rigid form, his muscles tense beneath his baggy clothes. When had Kakashi lost so much weight? Had he really been that busy to notice? How long had it been since he'd spent some quality time with this boy that so desperately needed him because he no longer had anyone else?

"Kakashi, I would like to offer you something."

He continued to stare at Minato's coat collar, confused as to what the older man could possibly be offering him now of all times.

"Sensei?"

Minato looked at him.

"Kakashi, do you want me to help you? I can if that is what you want. If not then the alternative is..." He licked his lips. "Is not something I'd like to happen. I don't want to lose you anymore than I already have Kakashi."

Did he want help? Kakashi mulled it over because in all honesty he just wanted to die. There was nothing left, he'd lost everyone and everything that meant something to him. There was no purpose in him even existing anymore. He'd hoped Minato would have let him go in peace but judging by the words he'd told Kakashi, that wasn't the case. He wasn't go to allow Kakashi to take his own life.

Minato shuffled nervously.

"I can help you to live again, to feel again...but only if that is what you want, Kakashi."

He doubted that it was even possible for anyone to make him feel alive again but who was he, really, to say no to Minato? Who was he to stop the last person he gave a shit about to try and make him feel good again? Isn't that what Kakashi wanted? He couldn't decide whether he wanted to feel good again or not because why should he deserve to be happy when he had failed Rin and Obito who were dead and buried. But when his sensei asked a second time, "Do you want me to help?" Kakashi replied with a firm,

"Yes."

Minato had told him that night that he may not be capable of making Kakashi love himself again, to accept that he wasn't a monster, but he could love Kakashi for him.

"I can make love to you. I'm not sure if anyone has ever given you that, Kakashi, but of all the people I know, you are the one person who deserves to have that love more than anyone else."

Kakashi was shocked at the words that had left the Hokage's mouth. He'd had sex so many times with so many different people and every time he'd experienced pain or discomfort. His customers were no different to people he'd been with willingly when he'd go out each night, they were all rough and only ever had one thing in mind but that had been ok because Kakashi was never looking for anything serious. But now...now he was so sick of it. So sick of being reminded of the countless men who'd used and abused him, each time it bought back vivid memories of sweaty hands and bodies and the feeling of dried cum and blood on his thighs and saliva trails down his neck and the disgusting scent of drunken men that clung to him each night. It made him feel sick and he didn't want to do it.

He didn't want to fuck his sensei and associate him with all the other sick, perverted men who got off over fucking little boys because Kakashi looked up to Minato and he just couldn't. He couldn't do it.

Without noticing it, a small frown crossed his face.

"With all due respect Hokage, I...I appreciate the offer but I'm no virgin and I don't-"

"It's Minato, Kakashi, and I wasn't asking if you were a virgin nor was I asking if you wanted to fuck or have casual sex because that implies that there would be no emotion attached to it. I have too much respect for you to do that to you, Kakashi."

"Sensei, I-"

"Minato. I'm no longer your sensei."

All Kakashi could do was nod because he couldn't find the words, he didn't know what it was like to be loved that way, to experience sex as something pleasurable and for a long time he hadn't really believed it a possibility.

Minato strolled around the large desk and placed his hands gently, comfortingly on Kakashi's shoulders.

His body relaxed as he finally gave in and looked into those blue eyes and Kakashi was surprised to find them devoid of disgust and pity and found love instead. Love directed at Kakashi and no one else because even though there was no one else here he still found it hard to believe.

"I want to take my time to caress you, to kiss you and explore your body, Kakashi. I want to feel you, to take you slowly and gently and lovingly and I want you to feel me in return. I want you too feel loved because when was the last time anyone has ever made you feel loved or content or made you know beyond a doubt that you were cared for, that there was always that one special person that would never stop caring?"

Kakashi's heart was pounding almost painfully against his rib cage, his breathing deeper and his pupils blown wide. He gasped when Minato moved his warm hands down Kakashi's arms to clutch at his trembling hands, his constricted lungs finally filling with oxygen.

"Let me love you."

Kakashi leaned into Minato, clutching desperately at his clothes because he was on the verge of tears because he knew this man wasn't lying when he said he wanted to make Kakashi feel loved. He whimpered a quiet "Yes" into the mans shoulder.

He didn't take Kakashi home with him nor did he take Kakashi back to his own apartment and he was glad because there were too many ghosts there, too many memories that haunted him. Instead Minato slowly divested Kakashi of his clothing, kissing him sweetly, tenderly along his body as his flesh was exposed bit by bit.

Warm hands slid along Kakashi trembling sides and hoisted him up onto the desk. Minato hovered over him, sliding Kakashi firm against him so that his legs were wrapped around the blond's waist. He was looking deep into Kakashi's eyes now and Kakashi knew he was blushing because this was more intimate than anything he'd experience before and he licked his dry lips nervously.

"It's ok Kakashi, I won't hurt you and we can stop at any moment."

Kakashi nodded and wiggled his hips slightly because he couldn't deny that he was aroused and the small moan that had escaped Minato was also a sure indication that the man felt the same. And then he was being kissed deeply, passionately and it was like fireworks in Kakashi's mind and heart because it wasn't just physical, he loved this man, truly loved him because he was Kakashi's last hope and in truth no one had understood Kakashi like Minato had.

He tried his best to mimic the other mans movements, sliding his hands along taunt muscles and smooth skin, and that was all there was for a while. Gentle caresses that were driving Kakashi wild and deep, gentle kisses that he wished would never come to an end.

He was gasping now and he was feeling things that seemed too overbearing, emotions that he couldn't even decipher because he'd never felt anything like this before. He was clutching at Minato now, silently begging for the two of them to be connected, to be one because he needed Minato more than anyone else in the world, Kakashi didn't want to be alone anymore. He wanted to be complete because for so long now he hadn't been.

By the time they were finally connected, Kakashi was crying because the touches were still soft and caring and Minato had stuck to his word. He was making Kakashi quiver with pleasure and there was no fear, no pain and no hatred. He wasn't being fucked, he was being loved and he could feel the love radiating off of Minato to engulf Kakashi in a warm cocoon. Everything was soft and pleasurable and unhurried and it was so overwhelming to feel these things, Kakashi could feel his icy core melt by Minato warmth, he was like summer while Kakashi was like winter. It was so good that it almost hurt.

The feelings caressed his body, his soul and everything was so meaningful as the man slid in and out of his pliant body, dragging forth gasps and moans that Kakashi had never heard come from himself before. It was the longest time he'd ever had sex with someone and it was beautiful because it was with this man, and he knew then that no one else could compare, not tomorrow or the next day, not in twenty or fifty years and probably not in a millennia because Minato meant _everything_ to Kakashi. He was his anchor, his life and he was the last thing Kakashi had to live for.

When they'd finished, Kakashi was left whimpering, tears streaming down his cheeks and hands clutching onto Minato because he didn't want it to end and at the moment he was relying on him as his only source of strength and right now all he wanted was to be comforted and be reassured that the man would never abandon him, never leave him.

He loved this man. He loved him with all his heart, he'd just never realized it until now.

Kushina had never found out about Minato and Kakashi, if she had then Kakashi was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to walk the planes of this earth to this very day. It was another four months before his world came tumbling down again.

Minato had died saving the village, had sealed the Kyuubi into his son and Kakashi hated it. He hated it because Minato didn't need to sacrifice himself, Kushina was willing to take the burden for him. And yet again, Kakashi had failed to protect the person he loved.

As he peered down at the small sleeping baby in the cot he couldn't help but think of how much this child resembled Minato. He couldn't bring himself to hate this baby because it wasn't his fault for the things that had happened and Kakashi thought Minato an idiot for believing the child could be seen as a hero because people were shallow and cruel and vengeful. Naruto would only ever be seen as a demon to many of the villagers but no matter how much Kakashi wanted to believe the same, he couldn't.

He couldn't let another poor soul who was alone in the world to have no family, to have no one care for him so instead Kakashi would care. He would look after the baby and give him all of his remaining love because Minato had taught him how to feel and he really wish he hadn't because Kakashi couldn't love himself for the monstrous things he'd done but he could love this baby.

Yes. The world was cruel and it was rarely ever kind. But, Kakashi mused, when it was kind it made the bad times a little more bearable and the bad times made you look forward to the good times that little bit more.

After all, Kakashi smiled,

"My current situation is not my final destination."

* * *

 **A/N: This is the last chapter for this story so I hope you guys enjoyed reading. The last line was a quote I found on Tumblr, not entirely sure who it's originally from but I just had to use it because I guess it kinda fits. Anyway, thanks for reading! Please let me know what you thought of this fic! :)**


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